Authentically Mine – Musings of a Restless Mind

It’s been a few months since I wrote this opening. I experienced this scene in both dreams and daydreams. It was recurring, progressive, and felt very real. It was the perfect metaphor for all of the transitions that kept life interesting for a while.

I spent the better part of this past year walking down a long, dark hallway. The hallway was lined with doors and had frames along the walls. I didn’t need to look to see what is in the frames; I knew that they were markers of my past. The long planks of the wood floor led me down the hall past room after room. All of the doors were closed, but we’re rimmed with just enough light to hint at the life on the other side. What was behind these doors didn’t interest me, and I did’t give them much thought. It was the door at the end of the hall that had my attention. The bright, inviting light escaping around the edge of the door piqued my curiousity and drew me closer.

Once I finally reached the door, it took me a while to feel ready to open it and cautiously peek inside. The space on the other side was warm and welcoming, but I did’t enter. I wasn’t ready. I spent a good bit of time looking inside from behind the presumed safety of the door in familiar territory. I eventually entered the room, cautiously, but still didn’t let go of the doorknob as I wondered what this room was all about.

I realized recently that I have finally stepped into the middle of a new room. I have no idea what this room is, but it’s really big and very empty. It’s a cheerful, bright, and welcoming.

I spent my recent liminal season being pulled in opposite directions as many aspects of my life were undergoing big transitions. There were a couple of ways that I could have handled this. Instead of longing for the past and for things to stay the same, I boldly welcomed the change and growth with open arms. I still haven’t figured out what this new room is all about quite yet.

Lots and lots of transitions…

Here is a little taste of what has been going on:

• My former high school band kid rocked his senior marching season and finished a year of lasts with a memorable high school graduation celebration. And wrapped up 13 years of scouting as an Eagle Scout. And turned 18. And went off to college over 5 hours away. And is loving college life and the freedom that comes with it. It’s been a lot, and it’s been awesome.
• My former middle schooler is rocking her freshman year of high school by running cross country and track and being in orchestra and being a stand-out student. I look forward to sleeping in again once she can drive herself to all of those early runs!
• I said goodbye to being a band booster board member, photographer, and chaperone. It was bittersweet to let that go, but it was time (and not just because my kid graduated).
• I started a new role at work, and it has been awesome! It was the perfect pivot for me at the perfect time. This much-needed change was a long time coming, and I am beyond grateful for the opportunity. It’s been quite the year, and I wouldn’t give it back for anything. I look forward to continued growth and development.
• I was introduced to sourdough by being gifted a starter that I promptly named Fred, which is short for Fermented Fred. It’s been fun to learn and bake in a new way. I can create, enjoy, and share delicious things that don’t take up a lot of space, but I now have to store lots of bread supplies. I’m still struggling with the advanced planning required and timing involved in baking with sourdough, but the results are delicious!
• I firmly committed to photography having an increased presence in my life by buying a new camera! This is something that I thought about for way too long, but I finally did it and it’s been great! I look forward to putting it to good use and growing in this area.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. It’s been a near constant stream of change combined with A Lot Going On, but I made it through with a strong sense of growth.

…but what about the tension?

Sometimes you know when you’re in a transition, but sometimes you only know when you are on the other side and pause to reflect and realize that things are different now. The transition is the sometimes messy, usually awkward middle. It’s the juxtaposition of comfort of the known and mystery of the unknown.

Switching gears and moving to the next thing isn’t always easy, but it doesn’t have to be hard. Change is inevitable, and resisting it will only make things more difficult.

Some transitions last a really long time, and some go by in a wink. While I was apparently supposed to cry my way through my son’s senior year and mourn him going off to college, I chose to embrace it. Sure, it was a little bittersweet at times, but that was just the tension in the transition. Me being miserable about him being successful and launching into adulthood just didn’t make sense.

Okay, so now what?

Everyone has heard that the only constant is change. It seems like one phase of my life or another is always in transition, and that keeps life interesting. It’s like swinging on a swing and feeling the speed come and go while gravity pulls me down one second and lets me float the next.

Transitions may or may not be expected, but they all require that I do the next right thing. Of course, “right” is relative and there are lots of next right things. Sometimes what comes next takes longer to figure out than others.

I have struggled to complete this post in a way that feels whole. The right words continue to be just out of my reach, and that’s okay. In an effort to not let perfect be the enemy of good (or done), I am releasing this out into the universe so that I can do the next right thing.