Authentically Mine – Musings of a Restless Mind

I sit with the Frustrated Stuck (henceforth known as the FS) more often than I like. Its internal intensity ranges from a relatively minor impatient antsiness to a distracting bother. Sometimes it’s more of an intense, annoying agitation. However strong, I manage to keep it to myself and leave those around me oblivious to my inner stuckness.

I am very good at keeping things to myself. So good that I actually keep them from myself. Typically, no one knows that something is amiss. Something must be intensely affecting me for any outward signs to leak out. I am usually outwardly quiet while the inner dialog swirls about. While this served me well in my past, that is no longer the case. There is a vast difference between recognizing this and doing things differently, but having self-awareness is huge.

The FS feels like I’m being held back. It’s like trying to run with all my might, but not really going anywhere. It feels like running in knee-deep water or wet concrete. I know that I’d be making great progress if it weren’t for the forces holding me back.

Recently, the FS was at an all-time high. It felt more like an existential crisis/breakdown than an FS. I was unable to keep the intensity stuffed inside. I haven’t figured out what triggered it. What finally brought me some inner relief was finding these words: “I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s not supposed to be this hard.” There’s a lot to unpack here.

The Jungian and Rohrian concepts of the differences between the first half of life and the second half of life resonate with me. This is what Richard Rohr has to say about the two halves of life. To paraphrase, the first half of life is about building the container needed to move through life. The second half of life is about seeking a deeper purpose and filling the container. Relating to the major parts of life as halves is a bit of a misnomer; the midlife transition can happen suddenly or over a decade, at any season of life or not at all.

I have learned that the FS shows up with more frequency and intensity when I deny myself fulfillment. When life’s busyness takes over, I put most of my needs at the bottom of the list. I deny myself the benefits of exploring what fulfills me and gives me a sense of purpose. It would be so much easier if my profession gave me a sense of purpose, but that’s a first-half expectation. Finding myself in the second half, or at least on that side of the messy midlife, I know that my profession is not my vocation.

The FS can also be triggered when executive function issues fueled by ADHD lead to less than stellar productivity. Trying to cram my square-pegged self into a round hole is tiring on many levels. Despite having tools in place to help me be productive, some weeks I can power through more effectively than others. Productivity is a goal for the first half of life but is less relevant for those in the second half of life. As my mind is busy exploring more rewarding second-half ideals, my first-half productivity can suffer.

As I write, I keep reading FS as “false self” instead of “frustrated stuck”. That’s an interesting Freudian slip. The true self is who we are at our purest, most authentic core. The false self is who we have become because of our situation; the survivor whose personas got us to where we are today. Perhaps the FS is my true self trying to break through my false self. So what fulfills my true self? I’m still working on that, but I have figured out a few things.

But what did I mean by “I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing”? While it could be interpreted as an executive function anxiety on the surface, it felt so much deeper than that when I found those words. They felt so freeing despite only bringing more questions, such as the natural follow-up “then what am I supposed to be doing?”