Authentically Mine – Musings of a Restless Mind

On the Enneagram of Personality, I’m a type Nine; a Peacemaker. Those who know me well and are familiar with the Enneagram think this is obvious. Perhaps my previous post makes more sense now.

“Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness.”

https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-9

I once described being a Nine as exhausting. Other unawesome adjectives are lonely and isolating. Keeping the peace had been stressful and caused a loss of identity as my once vibrant colors faded to varying shades of gray. Bending to accommodate others and avoid conflict led to a lack of a true sense of self.

However, you wouldn’t know that from the outside. I’m generally warm and friendly, personable and helpful. I enjoy doing what I can to make someone’s day a little brighter. Words that others used to describe me just this week are “incredibly patient” and “the kindest person”. (Yay!)

“Why can’t we all just get along?”

Every single Nine who has ever existed

I didn’t intentionally seek to deny my true self. It happened slowly over time as I focused energy and efforts on the peace and well-being of others, leaving little for myself. My tank was completely drained, and I had no idea.

I finally realized that I felt like an empty shell. I didn’t feel that I knew much about the person looking back at me in the mirror. I couldn’t even answer a seemingly simple question about my values.

There was no way that I could keep that up for much longer. I had to find balance. I needed to focus on my own peace and well-being for a change and finally put on my own oxygen mask.

I expect that conflict will always cause me anxiety, but rest assured that I have been doing good work to bring color back into my life. I am beginning to see the fruits of my labor. I am learning to listen to myself and getting to know myself better, and you know what? I’m pretty awesome.